Memoirs — Denise Needham

Letters to Lee

Denise Needham has been a pioneer in the women’s and lesbian communities of Southern Saskatchewan. She is a skilled commercial carpenter and has taught many other women and men building and repair skills. In response to questions about whether she had problems as a female carpenter she says, “Absolutely none. People want a good job done. It doesn’t matter if you are a woman or a man.” On March 14 2012 Lee Anne Tennyson, Denise’s lover and life partner of twenty plus years, died. Denise began a blog Letters to Lee to help capture her memories and to share them with those wanting to know what the experience of losing a life partner is all about. SRSD is grateful to Denise for allowing us to publish a few of her messages. To read the entire Letters to Lee visit Denise's Blog at deniseneedham.blogspot.ca.

1) Love Liberates
2) Similarities and Differences and Things We Have in Common
3) Lee's Ashes at Grasslands

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Tuesday, 12 June 2012 - Similarities and Differences and Things We Have in Common
by Denise Needham

Over the past couple of weeks I have connected with 4 women, 3 of them had women for partners and one had her husband. One partner died 5 years ago and another 3 years ago and another a little over a year. The woman's husband died just a short while after Lee died. As a matter of fact both attended Lee's March 31 service. We all lost the love of our life so we have that in common.

Some of us are Christian. Some of us are not. Some say if seems like yesterday and others say it seems like forever since we had our life partner. When I listened to all the love stories I was struck by what we miss the most. The little things. Like one being downstairs watching TV and the other upstairs reading and falling asleep yet both knowing they were not alone. This couple had many differences and it sounds like they celebrated them well. They gave each other space because they each valued their privacy yet they shared important things like kisses good night.

Every partner died differently. No one died alone. Three women knew they had cancer and all the partners valued whatever time they had with them. One had 3 years. One had 6 weeks. Two had no time at all. When someone dies fast people say "Well at least they didn't suffer." When we know time is short we can make the best of it yet we know nothing for sure. I think we all lived pretty up to date lives yet we all wished we had more time given to us.

It's the little things all right. The back of a hand brushing hair out of the others eyes. The words "I like that shirt on you." "Did you pick up a paper on your way home?" “Come rub my feet"

Yard work. One woman swears at her partner every time she is on the front lawn because it was HER job to do the yard. Another woman needs to move into a smaller place with no yard work as her husband always took care of the maintenance. Some of us are quite healthy and others have health issues. Some of us have insurance money and others don't.

Grief and mourning- the outward expression of grief- continues for all of us. I suspect none of us will 'get over it' but I hope we all 'get on with it'. That is life. Two have found new loves who understand and accept that they come as a package and the loss is included and acknowledged. There will never be replacements for the loves of our lives. There will be old friends, new friends and maybe someone we connect with on a deep level.

And I noticed that everyone spoke of gratitude for the time they did have, the quality of their relationships and the circumstances surrounding their partners death. In all cases it could have been worse. I was very grateful I met with these women and we will continue to keep in touch. We get strength from each other because of what we have in common- the loss of our sweethearts. Now what we have in common is that we are all getting on with our lives as best we can.